The Morning After…

The implications of a negative HPT always hit me harder the next morning when I wake up. I feel gloomy, hopeless and just struck by a general malaise. There is a pattern of sorts here: I POAS, see the damned single line, bawl like a banshee till I tire myself out and then sit in a corner sobbing my heart out. DH holds me, comforts me, rocks me back and forth like a baby and whispers soothing words of assurance (the man’s so patient, I tell ya!). Done with the tears, I move on to raging against the world, lash out at God and just say stupid, bitter things that seem silly to me even as I am saying them. All ranted out, I dust my misery off and agree with DH to go out. So last night we decided we’ll do Thai and a movie. Damn the diet. One day won’t make a difference. And I have this policy that on a negative HPT day I am allowed to indulge. Although, in this case, with the Thai place closed indulgence was simply a non-organic chicken wrap that we ate more because we were running out of time to see the movie (Avengers–waste of time, if you ask me… unless, you are dying to see Robert Downey Jr. do his thing which was, quite literally, the saving grace of the film). Yet I felt immensely guilty after doing so. Came back home after the movie, exhausted since it was almost 2 am by the time and flopped into bed. Refused to take supplements, refused to brush my teeth… serious stuff this day long rebellion is.

Anyhow, FF to this morning. I managed to sleep in longer than I usually do (quite the feat considering we have a virtual deluge of sunshine attacking our bedroom early in the morning and still have to get drapes) but I was in that half asleep-half awake place where the realization of the negative test would keep hitting at me reducing more and more my inclination to get out of bed. I did temp as usual, more for a morbid curiosity now that I know AF will be here soon, and even had the presence of mind to wash the thermometer (forgot to do it yesterday) when I went to wee in the middle of the night so it would be clean for me to use! A slight drop from yesterday which I suppose makes sense, considering all things.

I am sitting in my living room right now looking out. It’s almost noon and I still haven’t eaten. I should eat but I don’t feel like moving. Writing this blog is the only thing that gives me any modicum of peace. It’s as if my fingers need to just keep clicking on the keyboard for sanity to stick around. I look outside at the sunshine-y day and I feel so distant and removed from it. It’s someone else’s sunshine-y day, not mine. There’s work to be done, a presentation to prepare, grocery run, food to be cooked but for now the body, egged along by the mind and heart, is on strike.


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