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Looking forward…

I don’t know why but this cycle I have been experiencing a whole lot of fatigue. Some of it I can attribute to broken sleep (spouse sniffles, I toss & turn, spouse wakes up, I wake up… sigh!) but to feel this tired (constantly dizzy, nauseous and light headed) just feels strange. If I didn’t know better, I’d say I was pregnant!! Double sigh!

So, I went for my first ever hypnotherapy session this past Friday. I have mixed feelings about the whole thing. Now, I am all about experimenting with alternative medicine so I did go with an open mind. The therapist was a warm, friendly sort who (thankfully!) did not seem in the slightest bit whacko and in fact shared her own life story, which had eerie similarities with mine, quite readily to help me feel better about my own situation. The session though was a different affair. I was absolutely conscious throughout and her voice was not at all what I expected … none of that instant calming qualities that I had hoped for. Anyhow, I did the visualizations she asked me to and for the most part they came easily to me. I had told her before the session that the primary reason I was there was to tackle my latent pregnancy related fears so that is what she concentrated on during the session. I can’t say I emerged from the session feeling all zen but there definitely was a smile on my face and I went home a reasonably happy woman. That afternoon I felt an unprecedented desire to sleep and I took a rather longish nap, which is unusual for me. She messaged me the next day asking me how I felt after the session which I thought was a nice, personal touch!

It’s two days before we go for the pre-IUI ultrasound this Thursday. I am excited yet incredibly nervous. Just stepping into that office makes my tummy do all kinds of crazy things. The sight of so many pregnant women clutching on to their ultrasound pictures with all the ecstasy of an Olympic winner, of tiny, just-born babies sleeping away in their little bassinets and the memories of that fateful day when my world just upended itself are all still raw for me. As a result, I always enter the office holding on to my husband’s hand for dear life, resolutely looking down at the floor and trying my best to resist the urge to bolt from there. I’m waiting for the day when I have the opposite associations of the place; when I too feel incredibly happy and positive walking into the clinic, glowing with maternal pride.

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Mission September…

… is all planned out.

The strategy for this month is a plain (aka no-meds) IUI along with a trigger shot for ovulation. Have taken an appointment for pre-IUI ultrasound next week… hoping we see some good follies which will mature into some much-needed baby goodness!

Have started temping again this cycle. I find that the 9am time just doesn’t cut it for me. I tend to wake up a couple times between 7 and 9 to go pee or because my nose is stuff and I am sneezing or because I am just waking up and restless. So have set alarm to 6.45… I keep the thermometer under my pillow and as the alarm goes off, I just stick it in my mouth and once it beeps a reading I keep it back and go back to sleep.

Also trying to get yoga back into my daily regime. This one’s proving to be tougher. Since I need to do it on an empty stomach either it means waiting too long till I have my breakfast (unless of course I get started as soon as I wake up which, frankly, does not happen what with helping the spouse as he gets ready to leave for work) or if I have my breakfast then I need to wait again for it to get digested by which time it’s lunchtime! Have to find a way of managing this.

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Another missed date with fate!

So, early today morning at 14 dpo, I got the dreaded AF back in full flow. While I had promised myself that I would not go stark, raving obssessive over each and every symptom during my TWW, I must admit there were occasional lapses where my itchy fingers sought out http://www.twoweekwait.com/bfp-after-miscarriage and of course there were the random symptom searches (7 dpo–itchy eyes?, 10 dpo–crazy dreams?… btw what the %$#@ are ‘vivid’ dreams since everyone and her first cousin seems to be having them only to result in much coveted BFPs… what is it that they’re dreaming about that I can’t get my stupid brain cells to conjure up??!!).

Anyhow, so well… August was not to be. The ceremonial shedding of tears happened right on cue after a peeing trip at 7am revealed the enemy to be back! Poor spouse did much back-rubbing, whispering soothing assurances and trying his best to get me out of the post BFN funk I find myself in at the end of every month but the tears wouldn’t stop. The pity fest lasted for a mere 2 hours though, followed by a back-to-back appearance of Lady Rage. Much ranting and shaking of mutinous fists later, there was a lull. It was almost 11.15 am and I had refused to emerge from the shadowy confines of my bed. But there was the matter of a straining bladder and a grumbling stomach. Hubby had left for work, promising to be back soon to check on me. Thus it was that I dragged myself out somehow, my anger, hurt & despair trailing behind me and grudgingly got some breakfast together.

Onwards to the next cycle. We are thinking of doing an IUI this time provided we can get our vacationing RE to fit us into his crazy schedule (he’s booked till the end of September!). Fingers crossed!

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The waiting…

Another week’s gone by… in many ways, flown by, yet instead of feeling better (or even normal) I have been feeling progressively worse since the past few days. I keep getting reminded of my acupuncturist’s advice of seeing a therapist. Even though I am very sure cognitive therapy is not my cup of tea, I haven’t yet made the effort to get in touch with a qualified hypnotherapist either. I don’t know what is stopping me–the financial aspect, the whole regurgitating of what seems to have been tucked away (or has it?!) or just the sheer exhaustion that seems to surround this whole topic.

We’ve done our best for the month now it’s all about the wait. Only I don’t want to wait. I don’t want to wake up each day navigating the dense mass of expectations-meet-apprehensions that seems to perpetually surround me nowadays. I’d rather just be busy and so occupied, physically and mentally, that I have no time to think or feel. Denial is my new best friend.

I have been extremely tired of late. Physically tired, that is. The yoga I have started since last week is absolutely fantastic and that, combined with the pottery are doing their bit to keep me sane yet the exhaustion is very real. Part of it is just not being able to sleep through the night. Allergies are at an all-time high. My nose (hugely disproportionate to begin with) is an absolute brat, refusing to cooperate.

It’s the spouse’s birthday today… despite my best intentions I ended up crying today and he was adorable enough to leave work early just to spend time with me and reassure me how everything was going to be okay. And then I wonder about my luck!

Well… off to get ready for dinner. PCOS diet, eat your heart out ’cause tonight I will eat whatever I want… and that includes lamb shank with orzo, grilled octopus and warm chocolate cake.

:))