Looking forward…

I don’t know why but this cycle I have been experiencing a whole lot of fatigue. Some of it I can attribute to broken sleep (spouse sniffles, I toss & turn, spouse wakes up, I wake up… sigh!) but to feel this tired (constantly dizzy, nauseous and light headed) just feels strange. If I didn’t know better, I’d say I was pregnant!! Double sigh!

So, I went for my first ever hypnotherapy session this past Friday. I have mixed feelings about the whole thing. Now, I am all about experimenting with alternative medicine so I did go with an open mind. The therapist was a warm, friendly sort who (thankfully!) did not seem in the slightest bit whacko and in fact shared her own life story, which had eerie similarities with mine, quite readily to help me feel better about my own situation. The session though was a different affair. I was absolutely conscious throughout and her voice was not at all what I expected … none of that instant calming qualities that I had hoped for. Anyhow, I did the visualizations she asked me to and for the most part they came easily to me. I had told her before the session that the primary reason I was there was to tackle my latent pregnancy related fears so that is what she concentrated on during the session. I can’t say I emerged from the session feeling all zen but there definitely was a smile on my face and I went home a reasonably happy woman. That afternoon I felt an unprecedented desire to sleep and I took a rather longish nap, which is unusual for me. She messaged me the next day asking me how I felt after the session which I thought was a nice, personal touch!

It’s two days before we go for the pre-IUI ultrasound this Thursday. I am excited yet incredibly nervous. Just stepping into that office makes my tummy do all kinds of crazy things. The sight of so many pregnant women clutching on to their ultrasound pictures with all the ecstasy of an Olympic winner, of tiny, just-born babies sleeping away in their little bassinets and the memories of that fateful day when my world just upended itself are all still raw for me. As a result, I always enter the office holding on to my husband’s hand for dear life, resolutely looking down at the floor and trying my best to resist the urge to bolt from there. I’m waiting for the day when I have the opposite associations of the place; when I too feel incredibly happy and positive walking into the clinic, glowing with maternal pride.

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