Where do we go from here?

Had my hypnotherapy session today. Felt calmer after the session. K was so upset the whole day I sent him off to work with a smile; his pinched little face just breaks my heart. He gets so sad and unlike me, he doesn’t even have a release. While I bawl the house down he gets all engrossed in finding some way, any way, of trying to make the tears stop. His eyes brim with love and concern and its all I can do to not cry even harder knowing that my poor baby just doesn’t deserve this.

I got back home and busied myself preparing lunch. I felt a little better after eating and then put on some mindless TV. I thought the Kardashians would help me take my mind off things but a very pregnant Kourtney just made me feel way worse. All kinds of women in the world get pregnant in a heartbeat and here I end up on the couch with my feet up, trying hard to ignore the cramps and the bleeding.

I’m not going to let this get us down though. We’re not giving up. This is just a blip. After all this whole year this is just our third cycle of trying. The first one we conceived and since then its just our second time. What is important is to focus ahead and, in the meantime, relax and enjoy life for all the blessings it gives us every day. Let’s hope we can do it!


Tainted red

So this morning I got my period. I had the slightest bit of pink spotting last night when I wiped which actually had me feeling positive because I never spot and certainly not with white CM. However, the positivity was in vain. Had a terrible backache all night and morning pee revealed AF in all her scarlet glory.

And so we went over our monthly routine. The flood gates were lowered, the tear ducts called into action and a veritable arsenal of Kleenex stood on hand. My back hurts, my stomach hurts but most of all my bloody heart hurts. I scream silently to whoever should be listening. I rant in helpless frustration. I pour my grief out in shuddering sobs. It soaks my pillow, it takes home in my shirt sleeve and it crawls all over my face. Yet I am never quite done. Like an unsatiated demon, I find no tears worthy enough to express the rawness of my disappointment.


The long weekend that became a week long!

How was everyone’s Labor Day weekend? Well you’re about to find out how mine was! As I mentioned in the last post, non-medicated IUI was what we had decided for this month and that’s what we did. The u/s on CD 11 showed 3 strong follies at 17, 17 and 18mm with the doc refusing to believe I wasn’t on injectables (go acupuncture!!) and we were asked to BD that night and trigger the night of CF 12. On a side note, it will never cease to be amusing for me to get instructions on when the spouse and I should be getting naughty!

The trigger shot was causing me a huge amount of anxiety… I am dead scared of needles and the only way I survive getting so many pricks (I’ve got a record number this year) is simply by squeezing my eyes shut and refusing to open them till the band-aid has been applied. The pain I can handle; the sight of needle penetrating skin-NOT! Hence it was left to the husband to do the deed. We got some pretty rad instructions from the pharmacist and looked up videos but preparing the medicine was the most nerve wracking thing ever. I have no clue how doctors trust their patients to do this stuff! I managed to inject the diluant into the powder but then the damn mixture refused to get re-injected into the needle. I went into panic overdrive but the spouse totally played the winner as he not only managed to do what I couldn’t but also injected me so smooth I couldn’t feel a thing! The IUI itself went very well; doc was certain I was ovulating and said she got a clear shot at my cervix (yayy!). We went back home happy and took a nap to celebrate (it had been an early morning!).

Trouble came knocking in the evening. First it was just this sore feeling in the tummy that became progressively worse and turned into a raging stomach ache that had my curled up fetal style and screaming for my mommy! I couldn’t move, I couldn’t breathe it was like someone had bashed up my insides with a baseball bat and, for added effect, taken a few shots at my back too. To make things prettier I puked up all my dinner. DH called doc and was told I likely have mild OHSS which will take a few days to go away. Wonderful! I drank tons of Gatorade as told and rested (couldn’t move if I’d tried!). The next few days the pain did get better (that was without doubt the worst pain of my life! Worst!) and I got an u/s to make sure things were okay. Doc said ovaries were slightly swollen but nothing to worry about.

The days after the checkup, the abdominal cramping went away and so did the terrible back ache. However I had a recurrent fever and this crazy bitch of a pain in the back of my head which felt like someone had taken pincers and was pulling at my nerve and releasing it. It would go away for a while but then come back. Tylenol would help bring the fever down but it drew the line at the pain (Tylenol to me: “sorry buddy this bitch ain’t my thing!”).

So today is day 6piui and I feel better without a doubt. Temp was normal in the morning and so far the bitch ache has stayed away. Fingers crossed!

One thing the docs did warn me about is that in case I get pregnant this cycle the OHSS type symptoms are likely to reappear. Sweet.

It’s been painful, it’s been lonely and it’s been miserable. My husband has, as always rallied around me but this time we both anew felt the ache of not having any family (or good friends) around us. That’s why I had started this blog. So I could vent here and be brave for him. But sometimes I wonder if anyone even reads it. If the reading stats are actual people or just some digital bots who clearly wouldn’t give a damn about babies!

So… if you’re reading this and you’re human… say hello! It would mean the world to me.