CCRM days 1 & 2 (contd.)

… which brings us to today i.e. day 2 @ CCRM (CD 7)

I woke up feeling somewhat refreshed and hopeful. Our only appointment today was a regroup with Dr S. K and I had already been through the questions we wanted to ask him, of topmost priority being his opinion of how I was responding and how he sees this cycle shaping up. We also wanted to discuss embryo banking with him. If you remember, we had brought up this question in our initial consult and in our post OWDU regroup and both times he had suggested we wait on the day of ER for if we make anything above 6 he would not think we need to bank. We wanted to know if his opinion had changed since then.

Owing to a time crunch, lunch today also was at the food court. I had a plate of falafel, tabouli and chicken shawarma from the mediterranean grill while K had some chinese. We checked into CCRM for our appointment and prepared to wait in the lobby. We were called in soon after and seated in a consulting room. That’s when I started feeling really nervous. We had not spoken with the doctor ever since we started this cycle which, if you count the pre-priming and the priming part was over a month long already. I was anxious to hear what he had to say about my chances. I didn’t have to wait for long though; he walked in soon enough and after exchanging some pleasantries it was down to business.

Well, he said, there is good news and bad news. My stomach lurched uncomfortably as my mind got stuck on the ‘bad news’ bit. He said he was happy that the follicles were all a similar size but yes, he was surprised by how little he saw. He did not hold out major hopes for the 9 and the 7 to catch up so, in his estimation, we would be looking at 5 eggs at retrieval. My heart clenched at those words. 5 eggs retrieved would mean at best, if we were ridiculously lucky, 5 mature and 5 fertilized. This was worse than my first cycle where we had 7 retrieved.

We discussed embryo banking which now he was wholeheartedly recommending. He emphasized the financial implications of banking but even though K & I had already discussed it before, all I could think in my heart was I would not be pregnant this year either. Another effin’ year gone by and I am still not pregnant. I tried hard to ignore my mounting frustration and pay attention to what Dr S was saying. He suggested a regroup after retrieval to discuss our next steps esp. what protocol I should be following for the next round. He said we could add in clomid to the cocktail I am taking right now to try kickstart my recalcitrant ovaries into action. If all went well, I would be back here in early January for my second retrieval. Wonderful.

It all seems so damn ambiguous, even this IVF thing. We thought we were covering our bases by going to the best -CCRM. But there is no guarantee ever, is there? Even with some really good test results and a consistent AFC of 13, I seem to be a poor responder and that makes me very angry. I am trying hard not to resent my body for all this but its tough. I see pregnant women everywhere and its hard not to let my bitchy self get the better of me and think ‘oh all you probably needed was some red wine and some mood lighting’. I want so badly to have my own bump, to feel my belly swelling, to hold a tiny little person in my aching arms and to complain of sleepless nights…

Ever since we got back from the appointment I have been quiet as my mind churns in anguish. My darling love, my husband, my best friend is doing such a great job taking care of me yet letting me be. We had planned to go somewhere today, a short trip somewhere close by. But after the meeting, I felt so glum I did not feel like appreciating the natural beauty that surrounds me (and there is SO much of that here in Colorado!). I hate feeling like this. I hate this sadness, this uncertainty getting the better of me to an extent that I am unable to function normally and all I can do is stare into space, trying to calm the noisy chatter in my mind and quell the rising despair in my heart.

I want so badly to believe that there is a happy ending after all this. I want to have faith and I want to feel happy and light with the knowledge that my baby is on its way to me. But I feel immensely tired and sad and just plain bleak. Let’s see what tomorrow’s monitoring brings.

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