Seesaw

I feel like an ant. I try to climb the wall repeatedly. I can feel myself ascending; it fills me with happiness. Then some general crappiness happens and I fall back down in an ungainly heap on the floor (can ants ever be ungainly?). Le sigh!

It had been going so well. I was feeling grounded, motivated, positive and even (gasp!) content. I was filled with a velvety calmness that had me singing in the shower and skipping around the house. There was a little bump on the way when a day of full-blown PMS nearly knocked me down but I was up again the next day, soaring away like a fluffy cloud in my self-created horizon!

So, when I got my period (almost 4 days late), I was relieved. Relieved that I would probably feel even better now, that my cycle would soon begin, that my body is doing what it’s supposed to. But it’s the fourth continuous day today that I feel like a ginormous ball of craptastic frozen overnight such that the craptastic-ness is now like a hard shell around me and refuses to peel off, no matter how much I scrape away at it. I’ve battled it, I’ve tried wallowing in it (so I can just get it over with) and I’ve tried denying it… but nothing’s really worked.

I am officially in the dumps!!

A close friend wrote yesterday and her email was full of her toddler’s activities… how he says ‘mamma’ all the time, how he imitates her and makes her laugh etc. etc. Oh and there was also news of a pregnancy in her family. Yay. It took about .000000046821 seconds for me to enter the shitzone and start bawling my heart out. Poor K was completely baffled; he had just exited the bedroom like 5 minutes back and given me a flurry of kisses as he was getting ready to leave for work (I was still lazing under the covers!). He came rushing inside to find out what new calamity had tipped his semi-sane wife over the edge this time.

This was no ordinary sniffle, though; it was the mother of all waterworks! Once I started crying, I could not stop. I half-cried, half-squealed a strange, guttural sound that even in my heartbroken state appeared utterly amusing to me. I howled and screamed as I held on to K’s sweater sleeve for dear life, soaking it with my saline sorrow. I secretly hoped this was it; that once I stopped crying I would feel much better and be able to finally snap out of this funk I’ve been in.

Nope, no luck.

Today was no better. Instead of K (who luckily enough had just exited the house), it was my poor mother who witnessed my blubbering, deranged state today. There was no trigger even. I just woke up and started crying. She had come in to ask me if I would have a cup of tea and my quivering voice gave it all away. All she had to do was rest a gentle hand on my forehead and there I was… sobbing my heart away again! She quietly sat beside me till the tears stopped streaming and the wails became quiet sniffles. I got out, made the bed and had a cup of tea. I went out with her for a walk. We walked in silence.

I looked up at the blue stretching into an infinite distance and I wished I was a cloud.

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