Doing this…

Ignoring the half-dozen incomplete posts glowing in my drafts folder, I am going to jump straight to the present (with the promise of catching up on the older stuff very soon!).

Cue scratchy, ‘audiotape getting fast forwarded’ type of sound.

Today is day 7 of stims and my first day in Colorado. Broadly, things have been progressing reasonably well and it looks like my retrieval will happen on either Monday or latest on Tuesday. I had two local monitoring ultrasounds back home in SF and one in the morning today at CCRM. The follies are ripening and the estrogen is climbing and I’m keeping my fingers tightly crossed.

This cycle has been very different from the last one. There is the obvious difference of a new protocol; I took estrace for almost two weeks this time (the effects are quite like teasing yourself with a gun against your temple everyday!) and along with the jazzed-up hormonal cocktail that CCRM dished out to me last time, there’s also clomid (hello nausea and headaches!) making a special, 5-day appearance! Also, unlike last time this time I did not take cetrotide in the priming phase; it was only added to the mix mid-way into stimming.

Mentally, I’m in a very different place this time around. Riding the truckload of dread accompanying the realization that this was our last cycle at CCRM (unless of course I win the HGTV sweepstakes) and quite possibly the last one with my own eggs, fear terror & sadness (with a reluctant anger trailing behind) have come sailing in, entirely uninvited. The 2 months between my two cycles were days spent working hard on my teetering state of mind (more on that in a separate post). I went round in crazy circles, sinking to fathomless depths of despair & struggling to break the surface and then riding the buoyancy of self-administered hope and squeezing the future of its ability to provide the scantest reassurance. I would wake up crying in the middle of the night as an icy panic would creep up over me. Breathe, B-R-E-A-T-H-E my mind would urge my heart to pay heed. I forced myself to remember what is true today. I am well today, my life is full of love. Older (angrily discarded) platitudes would come rushing to my head —I’m a good person, I deserve to be a mother; God does well by his children…

I have battled with a crippling doubt, the kind of doubt that rips away every shred of innocence from your soul. I look back to the person I was and I marvel at how old I feel. I am proud of who I have become yet my heart aches with sadness at my inability to remember what ‘pure, unadulterated’ everyday living felt like. The joy of untainted expectation, the beauty of just living without the feeling that all of your life, everything that you believe in, everything you hold dear is being held ransom to this one event.

So what changed? Honestly? Nothing, really. I didn’t turn zen overnight and the panic attacks did not disappear. But I did not stop trying. Trying to live in the moment, trying to strengthen my faith (and this wonderful blog constantly inspires me to do so!), trying to be there for others… trying to be a better person (my only NY resolution this time!). Because it is only in this trying that I find solace.

And this is where I am today, sitting in my room in Littleton, Colorado typing out this blog post. In the next few days life could go in strangely unexpected places. I have no idea what will happen or how I will cope with whatever happens. All I am going to concentrate on is today and this moment, right now, when things are just fine.


6 thoughts on “Doing this…

  1. wow! I’m so glad my blog helps you. I had no idea. As I was reading your blog I just kept having the nagging feeling to tell you what my Jesus Calling devotional said this morning…

    Come to me and rest in My loving Presence. You know that this day will bring difficulties, and you are trying to think your way through those trials. As you anticipate what is ahead of you, you forget that I am with you–now and always. Rehearsing your troubles results in experiencing them many times, whereas you are meant to go through them only when they actually occur. Do not multiply your suffering in this way! Instead, come to Me, and relax in My Peace. I will strengthen you and prepare you for this day,actually occur. Do not multiply your suffering in this way! Instead, come to Me, and relax in My Peace. I will strengthen you and prepare you for this day, transforming your fear into confident trust. ~Jesus Calling

    I just felt the need to share this with you. I’m praying for you and I know that no matter what happens, you WILL be a mother. God had so much compassion for barren women in the Bible. The first recorded healings in the Bible were that of women who couldn’t have children. God doesn’t waste His breath and He doesn’t waste His words. I believe He included the stories of these women because He knew that women like us, were going to need to know that He is still the same God and He still cares. He would never create our bodies to multiply, give us the desire and then leave us high and dry. He is the God of impossible…He specializes in miracles. hugs girlie!!

    • Elisha!!! I am getting goosebumps as I write this… about an hour or so earlier, I went with my husband to Costco to get some stuff. I don’t know what pulled me to the books section but as it happens I saw a tiny little book there called the Jesus Calling devotional. I am not Christian but I felt the tug to pick up that book, especially because the words you write on your blog are like balm to my soul and I wanted to know more! Trust me I had NO clue that you were ever referring to this book… you might probably have mentioned it on your blog but I never paid attention.

      Isn’t it uncanny that today you sent me this wonderful prayer probably around the same time as I was picking up the very book the prayer is from!

      Thank you for making me feel really at peace today… much, much love!

      • oh wow! I never calls these moments “coincidental”. I believe God orchastrates things to happen at just the right time to show people that He does exist and He is taking care of us whether we “feel” it or “see” it. I had a three year old running around me, playing, tugging at me, doing everything to get my attention as I read your blog but I felt something burning inside of me as I was reading. I didn’t know what it was…that’s when I felt the nag to write you the devotion from today. As soon as I sent it, I felt peace again. Did you read the post, “I got you!”? That one is for you too 🙂

        love ya girl!

      • Aww you’re so darn sweet! Thanks again :)) And yes, I did read that post too… and you know what, if anyone was ever meant to be a mother, it’s you! I have never met you yet I feel the warmth of your caring… you have limitless love for everyone around you and it shows in your actions and in your words. I’m so glad I came across your blog!

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