The past month and a half have been precious, beautiful, stressful and oh so fragile–all at the same time. Yes, we still feel blessed for our 6 CCS normals. Yes, perhaps for the first time since we embarked on this amazingly painful journey, we have felt a semblance of the people we used to be before we hopped on this crazy ride! Yes, it has been both beautiful yet sweetly sad as each day has been drenched in the realization of what infertility has robbed from our lives. As K and I have gone out on dinners and enjoyed the occasional glass of wine, as we have walked hand in hand and snuggled up in movie theaters, we have marveled at how hugely precious it feels to be able to do these ‘ordinary’ things and actually enjoy them. For the first time in our married life (we started ttc soon after we married!) we feel like we are just operating on cruise control and not going batshit crazy running ourselves ragged over doctor appointments, tests and more. Amazing, isn’t it how when we finally see hope in a situation, we are reminded of how brutally it had been wrenched apart from us.
It’s not all peachy though. I had an endometrial biopsy soon after we got our results and it turned out to be negative for the beta-3 protein. Which meant I had to go on a 2-month-depot-lupron-induced menopause! I took my first injection 2 weeks back and if the headaches I’ve started having are any indication of what’s to follow, I’d better hold on tight! Our FET, which we were hoping to have in early April, is now pushed to the end of May. Not a huge deal in the larger scheme of things but still it was mildly frustrating to have to wait yet again. I was kinda hoping to have a baby in my arms before the year ends (of course assuming it works the first time!). I didn’t spend too much time dwelling on this though; instead I decided to use it as an opportunity to get into better shape and hopefully put on a few pounds!
The good part is I’m doing a fair bit of yoga (which I absolutely love), eating really healthy (experimenting with a lot of new gluten-free dishes and baking recipes) and trying hard to get more diligent with my dissertation work. The not-so-great bit is that between the crazy, pounding headaches, the extreme fatigue (which is also, I think, Lupron induced) and my dry, dry eyes it’s been a bit challenging to stay in constant zen mode. Wait, I did not even tell you about my dry eyes!
So, a few weeks back I started feeling an immense soreness in my eyes to the point where I was getting sensitive to light, having trouble working on the laptop and even driving. Turns out my eyes are d.r.y. Not just use-some-artificial-tears dry but so dry that I often make myself yawn just to get some moisture in them! My doctor’s take on this is that the hormones I have so gleefully pumped into my body have left their signature by shutting down my oil glands which are now blocked and inflamed. Hence, no lubrication. Basically every day by the time evening comes around my eyes are so tired, I prefer to sit in darkness since pretty much anything I do becomes too painful. My doctor has given me some home remedies but I’m hoping to get some prescription strength stuff next week when I see him again.
So that’s been my life in the past month and a half. It’s been peaceful on the whole. Babies and pregnant women don’t rip my heart apart the way they used to. Perhaps because I feel that might be me in the not-so-distant future. It’s strange though. This in-between phase. When I meet my friends with kids, I still don’t feel like I belong… obviously because I’m not even pregnant yet. But I don’t quite feel like such an alien outsider either. It’s a bit like that time in your new relationship when you feel he is going to commit soon but you worry he may just flake on you. I am full of hope for the future but sometimes I wonder what makes me so confident that it will just all work out perfectly now?
Just as I have embraced the hope, I am embracing the apprehensions that linger. For the moment, life is fragrant with the promise of possibility. What more could I ask for?