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CCRM days 1 & 2

I write this post with a heavy heart. I wish I had good news to report. I wish things were going as well I as I have been hoping, wishing, praying that they would. But, for some reason, luck does not seem to favor me lately.

Day 1 (CD 6)

We got into Denver late Wednesday evening and after grabbing a quick dinner en route to the hotel, we checked in and almost immediately started the whole injecting process. Hampton Inn & Suites where we spent the first night does not have refrigerators in all rooms so it was quite the complex process getting them to put the medications in the fridge, the coolers and ice packs in the freezer and retrieve them one at a time as needed. Anyhow, once done, I read for a while in bed and by midnight fell asleep. I had a strange, restless night waking up many times to use the bathroom. My nose felt blocked and my throat was uncomfortable congested no doubt from the change in weather. It’s not crazy cold yet but there’s a distinct difference from the NorCal winter we are used to. Early next morning I noticed a significant amount of white discharge and immediately panicked worrying that I might have ovulated too soon. There was nothing I could do, however, till I made it to the clinic for my 9 am monitoring appointment.

We reached CCRM early and were taken in quicky enough. The woman who did my ultrasound was extremely nice and super apologetic that she was causing me a considerable amount of pain. She was just measuring everything twice since the numbers were vastly different from my first appointment back home. Here is the final tally for day 6:

LO: 14.7, 12.4, 10. 7.3, 2

RO: 14, 10, 9, 1

Two very kind nurses sat down with K & me in a small, private chamber and gave us these numbers, explaining that they do not rely on local monitoring too much for precisely this reason–measurements are often under or over estimated and it they all too often miss out on some of the smaller follies. They were both confident that I was doing pretty well and the two smallest follies had every chance of catching up. Our hopes renewed, K & I completed our morning set of injections in the same place and soon after I went in for blood-work. Once done, we stepped out of the clinic feeling lighthearted and madly optimistic about the future. From a dismal forecast of 5 follies we now had 7 measurable and 2 small ones. Things could well still turn out in our favor. K still was of the opinion that we should bank but I was hopeful we might be able to hit a home run with this very cycle itself.

We drove over to Townplace Suites where we had reservations for the next 4 nights or so. It was too early to check in though so we spent the next hour at Target, K sitting at Starbucks and working and me just aimlessly wondering the aisles, feeling cautiously happy. We went back to the hotel only to discover that the room we had checked in to was still a mess and had not been cleaned. A sharp reprimand to the front desk had us moved into a freshly cleaned room with the assurance that we would be charged half the room rate for that night! K worked through the evening, he had conference calls to attend and I slacked of as usual, absorbing myself in a historical romance and spending an inane amount of time googling follicle numbers for poor responders.

In the evening I got a call from the clinic. Dr S had reviewed my reports and wanted me to continue on the same dose of meds. He also did not require me to come in the next day for monitoring but just for the regroup appointment we had scheduled with him. My estrogen level was looking good at 767 and the nurse said things seemed to be tracking on target.

With that reassuring news, we stepped out in the evening to grab a quick meal at the food court in the Park Meadows mall after which we rushed back to our room for injections. Since we’re done with saizen, the nightly regime has become way simpler with only Gonal F which is a pen and therefore does not require any mixing. That done, I settled into bed with my book and fell asleep soon after. I slept well for the most part but had an extremely disturbing dream in which K and I were in a car hurtling down a freeway. I was urging him to drive slowly but just as he was about to slow down a large truck came in front of us and he slammed on the brakes. We crashed into a black wall of space and the last thing I remember before being jolted awake was thinking this is how it feels like to die! How truly morbid, right? I get scary dreams very often and once I wake up I am so frozen in fear that I cannot move for the next few minutes. This time though I nudged K awake and he instantly pulled me close to him. I felt relief flooding my senses and soon enough dozed off again.

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Here we go!

Today is day 1 of our treatment cycle at CCRM. Today, K and I started our ten day course of twice-a-day Doxycycline. I got my period late last night and now have to wait for my LH surge to show up. Ten days after I get a positive OPK I start taking Estrace twice a day and from there on the ball starts rolling. My tentative date to start stimming is the 20th (although I think it will probably be the 18th, given my expected date of surge) and I have an estimated retrieval date of Oct 31st! Which means that we expect to fly out to CO sometime around the 22nd-24th of this month.

There’s many things different about this cycle -the estrogen priming, the cetrotide (I used ganirilex last time), the saizen and the dexamethasone. Also the stims are lower to begin with which is something I’m happy about. I am following a strict policy of singular faith in my doctor and no crazy, anxiety-inducing Dr Google searches! If I start thinking of just how many variables are at play here or how long the entire process is likely to be, I know I’ll just implode. So, one day at a time it’s going to be. Right now my focus is to make the most of each day with good food, moderate exercise, meditative visualization exercises and a special treat to just indulge in :).

It’s been a lazy Saturday so far. I woke up to the incessant chatter of rain and a palette of multi-hued green, always a beautiful sight! I’ve not had much by the way of PMS or aches/ pains but I’m taking it easy and generally staying away from household chores etc. Instead, I plan to make best friends with the couch & my favorite throw and get a little caught up on my dissertation related work (which I am lagging SO far behind on!). Hubby’s been an angel, getting me choice delights to tempt my recalcitrant tastebuds with… bless him!

In a way it’s all so fragile. I feel us beginning to hope again – the painfully tender, green & eager stalks of hope trembling their way into the world amidst a sea of concretized disappointment. I want to cover them up with my hands, cradle them, coo and soothe them to suppleness. I want them to ignore their loneliness and their habitat and forge forth towards the sun.

I realize that this could be the beginning of the most beautiful, the most coveted phase of my life or another stepping stone in what has already been a pretty enervative journey! Either way, my goal is to try stay in the moment and stay somewhat neutral especially since disappointment still hovers around in dark shadows and hope, teasingly, skips in and out of view. What matters right now is that I have this wonderful, blessed opportunity and I’m going to relish every bit of it. I’m going to dip into my faith and wrap it around me snug and tight.

Wish me luck!!