After Wednesday’s horrid shock, we were all terribly shaken up. Even though my parents didn’t say much, I know that along with K & I, they felt pretty roughed up too. While K had his work to lose himself in, the three of us just sat silently for many hours, unable to do much beyond staring into space. The wonderful man my husband is, he somehow convinced all of us to step out in the evening to cheer us all up even as he, himself, was clearly shaken up too. Since my dad is really fond of beer, he took us all to a biergarten nearby. I refused to have anything; I was still numb. As the evening progressed, I finally felt myself relax, one garlicky sweet potato fry at a time 🙂
They all managed to convince me into having a gluten-free beer, my first beer in over two years (I used to LOVE beer!!!). It was delicious, the best beer I’ve had in forever! The stilted conversation soon started flowing over the awkward little mounds of sadness and shock that we all were carrying within us. We all drank, my mom also joined in. They kept pressuring me to have another beer. It was almost like they wanted me to get a little tipsy, loosen up a bit. Well, loosen up we did. We spoke of things as they were, things as they had been. We gave voice to our collective frustration and anger at why this struggle had continued for so long and was still going on. K teared up as he thanked my mom profusely for all her help in the past three years, the way she helped me through each surgery, every procedure. Eyes were misty and hearts were baring themselves. It was sad but so sweet, all of us reaching out to each other, sharing unspoken apprehensions, acknowledging the deep love we feel for each other. I thanked God for blessing me with such a wonderful family. I feel so darn lucky my husband gets along so well with my parents. Perhaps, for the first time ever since we got on this journey, I did not feel guilty about consuming alcohol!
On a different note, ever since we got back from Colorado, I’ve been leading a pretty slothful existence. Partly because I was in a lot of discomfort from the retrieval and then in serious pain from the period that followed. I was beat. The thought of physical exercise just did not appeal. I was also sleeping late and waking up late which meant I wasn’t having my thyroid med on time and eating breakfast really, really late. I realized I need to snap out of this self-imposed sloth-dom. Thursday night, I went to bed early and woke up on time for my med. Made breakfast and then decided to go for a walk on the bay trail.
A simply brilliant sight awaited me. How was I to know that the 2014 Birdsong Conference was being held today!! Here are some sneak peeks:
I was, at first, taken aback, then delighted both to see these little fellows congregating so solemnly all along the shore and also to hear their non-stop chirping. I swear it felt like they were all gathered there for something terribly important!
Here’s another ‘breakout session’ :))
I don’t need to tell you, do I, that I came back from my walk feeling infinitely better, almost buoyant even! It felt like that scene was created right there and then just to uplift me!
So that’s where I’m at. Feeling relatively peaceful, although not entirely without anxiety about the forthcoming results. Acupuncture this week really helped me relax. I have also decided to finally get proactive in finding a good therapist. Therapy has helped me greatly in the past when I was dealing with a really traumatic phase in my life and my acupuncturist has been urging me to find someone to talk to for the longest time. She feels I will benefit from unloading myself to someone who is not emotionally invested in me; someone whom I can say anything in front of without any worries that they will react. I have avoided it altogether for the longest time, partly because my acupuncturist herself does such a great job of keeping me sane and partly because I did not want to add yet another item to our already burgeoning fertility expense list.
But, especially after Wednesday’s shock I think I need it. A big reason why I felt so shaken up was my reaction to the whole nonsense. It gutted me to the core in an unimaginable way and while I cannot control in advance how I feel in the coming future to whatever life has in store for me, I want to work on cultivating an inner peace and fortitude that will hopefully help me when needed. Therapy is part of this plan. Returning to yoga and starting meditation will also be key. It’s been a very tumultuous three years and I really want to invite some balance into my life.