Here we go!

I’m just two days shy of starting my FET meds. Excited, very excited but also scared. I’ve packed in a lot into the next three weeks to ensure I don’t go batshit crazy! Coming up first in line is a long overdue vacation in Cabo!

Just the anticipation of four days with K spent luxuriating on a Mexican beach, unadulterated by the cacophony of everyday-ness has thrown me into a right tizzy. I’ve spent this whole week prepping for the trip like an excited teenager headed for spring break! Some new clothes have been bought, legs have been waxed, eyebrows threaded and hair will be cut tomorrow… I’m all set to seduce my husband, hot flashes notwithstanding!

Speaking of which, shouldn’t they be done by now? It seems in the past few days alone they’ve doubled in intensity; I now break out into a sweat like every 15-30 minutes! Nights are simply insufferable and the recent heat wave we’re having in Nor-cal does not help things one bit. The fact that no walls have been punched and no objects have been broken is a testament to my growing inner zen-ness 😉

My first lining check is the very next day after we’re back! My nurse told me today that Dr. S has started doing early lining checks for his patients so that if there are any issues there is more time to tweak the meds and hopefully resolve things. Makes sense to me; I only wonder why they didn’t think of it before!

So that’s where we’re at, all ready to jump off this cliff with the assumption (or desperate hope!) that we’ll be able to swim to safety upon landing. Let the fun begin 🙂


It’s getting hot in herre!!

Poor Nelly. Little did he know that his chart-buster would make such an apt Lupron anthem! That is, until you get to the lyrics. The steaminess oozing from that song has about as much in common with a lupron-induced menopause as does a Himalayan yak with a chessboard.

Tomorrow, I will take my second (and hopefully last ever) Depot-Lupron injection. While my symptoms haven’t been as rabid as I expected them to be, I look forward to saying goodbye to killer headaches and those ridiculous hot flashes. One moment I’ll be the picture of serenity sitting with some friends over dinner and the very next moment I look like someone who’s just emerged from a Bikram Yoga class. And then there’s the morning fatigue. I don’t know if this is a common side effect or not but for the past month getting out of bed in the morning has held about as much appeal as the thought of skinny dipping in sub-zero weather. Once I’m up and about, though, it’s all good.

Of course, as far as K is concerned, there’s just one side effect of Lupron. It’s kindly titled ‘the return of the psycho shrew’. We’ve been squabbling like a pair of newly-weds over just about everything. All it takes is for me to discover some shaving gel on the bath counter or for him to say something like ‘babe you never keep my water bottle filled’ and it’s like I morph into a crazy, fishwife version of myself complete with door-slamming, yelling and full-on histrionics thrown in for good measure. The poor man sits silently while the gale storm that is his wife exhausts her fury and finally subsides into intermittent sobs. I swear (s.w.e.a.r) it’s the medicine making me cuckoo. It’s like I can observe it happening the way you would observe a chem-lab experiment go horribly wrong. I’m helpless though to control it. It’s exhausting, not just for K but for me too!

On a different note, I’ve been going for yoga pretty regularly. My new-found love affair with yoga is pretty ironic considering how inflexible I am. The good thing about my yoga studio is that it gets all types of people (and not just crazy fit LA types clad in second-skin spandex doing downward dog with all the agility of a bendy straw) so I don’t feel quite at sea when I’m unable to hold on to my heels with both hands while my body is bent and head is thrown backwards in camel!

My eyes continue to feel vacuum cleaned. I went back to my eye doctor and he still insists on a gentler approach. I’ve had no luck getting him to prescribe me something stronger but he has agreed to try out his patented non-medicated dry eye treatment (he’s a dry eye specialist) with me, starting tomorrow! I couldn’t be more excited. My eyes have felt so sore and so tired; I’m ready to start feeling better!

Exactly 7 weeks left until transfer. Time is crawling by and yet, I know, the day will be here soon enough and that makes me sick with excitement and nervousness!


Romancing the in-between

The past month and a half have been precious, beautiful, stressful and oh so fragile–all at the same time. Yes, we still feel blessed for our 6 CCS normals. Yes, perhaps for the first time since we embarked on this amazingly painful journey, we have felt a semblance of the people we used to be before we hopped on this crazy ride! Yes, it has been both beautiful yet sweetly sad as each day has been drenched in the realization of what infertility has robbed from our lives. As K and I have gone out on dinners and enjoyed the occasional glass of wine, as we have walked hand in hand and snuggled up in movie theaters, we have marveled at how hugely precious it feels to be able to do these ‘ordinary’ things and actually enjoy them. For the first time in our married life (we started ttc soon after we married!) we feel like we are just operating on cruise control and not going batshit crazy running ourselves ragged over doctor appointments, tests and more. Amazing, isn’t it how when we finally see hope in a situation, we are reminded of how brutally it had been wrenched apart from us.

It’s not all peachy though. I had an endometrial biopsy soon after we got our results and it turned out to be negative for the beta-3 protein. Which meant I had to go on a 2-month-depot-lupron-induced menopause! I took my first injection 2 weeks back and if the headaches I’ve started having are any indication of what’s to follow, I’d better hold on tight! Our FET, which we were hoping to have in early April, is now pushed to the end of May. Not a huge deal in the larger scheme of things but still it was mildly frustrating to have to wait yet again. I was kinda hoping to have a baby in my arms before the year ends (of course assuming it works the first time!). I didn’t spend too much time dwelling on this though; instead I decided to use it as an opportunity to get into better shape and hopefully put on a few pounds!

The good part is I’m doing a fair bit of yoga (which I absolutely love), eating really healthy (experimenting with a lot of new gluten-free dishes and baking recipes) and trying hard to get more diligent with my dissertation work. The not-so-great bit is that between the crazy, pounding headaches, the extreme fatigue (which is also, I think, Lupron induced) and my dry, dry eyes it’s been a bit challenging to stay in constant zen mode. Wait, I did not even tell you about my dry eyes!

So, a few weeks back I started feeling an immense soreness in my eyes to the point where I was getting sensitive to light, having trouble working on the laptop and even driving. Turns out my eyes are d.r.y. Not just use-some-artificial-tears dry but so dry that I often make myself yawn just to get some moisture in them! My doctor’s take on this is that the hormones I have so gleefully pumped into my body have left their signature by shutting down my oil glands which are now blocked and inflamed. Hence, no lubrication. Basically every day by the time evening comes around my eyes are so tired, I prefer to sit in darkness since pretty much anything I do becomes too painful. My doctor has given me some home remedies but I’m hoping to get some prescription strength stuff next week when I see him again.

So that’s been my life in the past month and a half. It’s been peaceful on the whole. Babies and pregnant women don’t rip my heart apart the way they used to. Perhaps because I feel that might be me in the not-so-distant future. It’s strange though. This in-between phase. When I meet my friends with kids, I still don’t feel like I belong… obviously because I’m not even pregnant yet. But I don’t quite feel like such an alien outsider either. It’s a bit like that time in your new relationship when you feel he is going to commit soon but you worry he may just flake on you. I am full of hope for the future but sometimes I wonder what makes me so confident that it will just all work out perfectly now?

Just as I have embraced the hope, I am embracing the apprehensions that linger. For the moment, life is fragrant with the promise of possibility. What more could I ask for?