This post has been struggling to go live for about two weeks now … which is when my world filled up with incredible happiness and the most soul-nourishing sunshine… but I’ve been so, so sleep deprived, it’s been next to impossible to grab hold of the laptop and blog!
Baby girl was born 2/2/2015 @6.01 via planned c-section and she came yelling and shrieking to this world. Her first cry was music to my ears and I bawled like an inconsolable baby myself as they showed her to me for a brief second before they whisked her off for weight check etc. She was born a healthy 6 pounds 6 ounces although she lost a fair bit the first week which she is now steadily gaining back.
I haven’t slept more than 2.5 hours any night since she was born and I’ve never felt so happy about it! One look at her and all troubles, concerns etc melt away.
I had a hard recovery after surgery but I’ll write about the birth story in a separate post. I’ll also dedicate a post to Breast feeding which was extremely hard for me and how I made the decision to exclusively pump which is a different level of craziness in itself!
I also need to decide what to do with this blog now. Part of me wants to just start a new one where I can also wrote about other stuff such as film etc. Hopefully some of you will consider following me there as I would hate to lose the friendships I’ve made here.
Finally I want to end this post with an acknowledgement for those of my IF sisters who are still struggling. My heart is always with you and I’ll pray hard your struggles and transient and your joy everlasting.
Leaving you with a picture of my dumpling 🙂
This will be a quick update as I’m rushing out for my acupuncture appointment. But since I’ve always been so liberal with my despondency on this forum, I thought it only fair that I share some truly brilliant news with all of you! After an extremely suspenseful week (more on that later!), today we got the call from CCRM.
Out of the 9 embryos that were biopsied, 6 were normal and 2 no result!
To say that we are in a delirious daze would be the understatement of the year! We have been so attuned to receiving disappointing news, I just did not expect something this wonderful!! My heart is overflowing with joy and I am so full of gratitude towards God and towards each and every one of you who take the time to read this blog and to comment and to support me!
We have a long way to go from here but today, K & I will be celebrating after a long time!!
Thank you God!
Today I went on a swing after about 25 years. I felt a little foolish, a grown-up trespassing in kiddy-land. Hesitantly, I sat down. Pushed the ground away with my feet. Gentle at first, I slowly increased the momentum. I was soaring high now. So high that I could see till the edge of the lake in front of me. See the tops of the farthest houses. See the birds make a graceful V shape in the horizon. I felt free; I felt released. Nothing was tying me down.
After about ten minutes, I reluctantly stopped. I looked around for any possible witnesses. Seeing none, I grinned and started walking towards home. Maybe I’ll do this again tomorrow, I thought.
Yesterday, after just about 8 years of procrastination (yup, I’m crazy like that!) I finally went for a long-overdue eye checkup. I was pretty excited because I knew it’s time for me to get new glasses and well… who doesn’t love new glasses! Umm okay a lot of you probably don’t like wearing glasses but me, I envied the socks off everyone at high school who had glasses and all I wanted was to get a prescription of my own. Wearing glasses at my school was considered hip and nerdy and all kinds of cool! However, much to my chagrin, my eyesight was declared perfect and the doctor said there was no need for said glasses. I then resorted to the only thing I seem to have perfected over the years–drama! I outrageously exaggerated the intensity of the headaches I was (ostensibly) getting and convinced the doctor that I needed glasses to read. He solemnly stated that my eye muscles were probably weak and so reading glasses were in order. Short-cut to 23 years later (good God I am O.L.D.!!) and I am as excited to get glasses again as my 13 year old self was!! Over the years, my number has (very slowly) gone up and since the past few years I can feel a definite strain in my eyes when working on the computer or watching a movie in a theater.
Wow… such a long preamble to what I was really about to say…
So, yesterday I went for my eye test. Lucky for me, I found an excellent doctor literally 57 steps away from where I live. I walked over and settled down in the cosy reception area. The nice lady at the desk checked me in and about twenty minutes later my doctor came out to escort me inside. I won’t bore you with my ocular travails but what I want to emphasize is how ridiculously normal everything was! I mean I knew what would happen in the examination room, the doctor was extremely patient and so very kind and it was all so… normal! Sigh! No alarming discoveries, no grave faces huddled over an ultrasound machine, no lying half-naked with just a paper wrap to cover my modesty (!), no needles and absolutely no histrionics! It was like a regular, everyday visit to the friendly neighborhood doctor. And it was such a blessed relief that I almost cried with gratitude. As I stood in the reception area, trying to select a suitable frame through my increasing blurry vision (he had dilated my eyes), I looked at the nice receptionist, tapping away on her computer, at the non-threatening pile of magazines lying neatly stacked in a corner (no ‘Pregnancy’ or ‘Mother’ or ‘Parenting’ type of titles!), at the absolute absence of people in the waiting area and at the sheer ordinariness of it all, I felt warm fuzzies and a strong sense of sadness at the same time. The warm feeling because all was okay with my eyes and sadness that I could not have such appointments with my OB, just walking in like a normal pregnant woman (who just randomly got knocked up!) and not sitting in the waiting room like a detective-in-disguise, face buried in a book, loathe to look up for fear of another belly/baby sighting!
Pleased with my wonderfully routine visit, I walked back home in pouring rain. I was feeling so happy and so ‘like an everyday person’ that I half skipped, half ran home oblivious to the fact that I had no umbrella and I was soaking wet, the rain worming its way into my jacket, my shoes, my handbag! I sploshed (is there such a word) over to my place and K opened the door, aghast at the drippy sight in front of him. I grinned widely and told him: “it’s such a good day baby!”. He started laughing and hugged me tight (getting soaked himself) and said “yes it sure is”.
I’m so glad I saw Wadjda. Not because it’s the first feature-length Saudi Arabian film to be directed by a woman. Not because it’s the story of a beautiful child that tugs at your heart from the moment you see her on screen. And certainly not because it whispers through veiled references, the innumerable atrocities inflicted upon women on an everyday basis in a country where patriarchy assumes despotic, tyrannical proportions, reminding us of all thats beautiful in our lives.
I liked Wadjda because it celebrates unadulterated hope.
12 year old Wadjda is always getting into trouble at school for not adhering to Saudi customs regarding ‘appropriate’ behavior for girls. Unable to rein in either her wayward head scarf or her dreams, she longs to own a bike even though girls riding bikes are frowned upon. She is spunky, bright and all-round adorable. She makes mix tapes and bracelets from yarn and sings songs with her mother in the kitchen. Her mother is a beautiful young woman who is trying desperately to keep her husband from taking another wife. Mother and daughter, cooped up in their house over long afternoons, take turns consoling and encouraging each other. In the end, one dream gets shattered even as another one is kept alive.
K and I both walked out from the film silent and lost in thought. I couldn’t stop thinking how much we take for granted in our everyday lives. I often get so caught up in my desire for a child, rolling my anguish up into a huge great ball of magnified suffering, that I tend to ignore everything else thats good and beautiful in my life. Right now.
Did the movie make my situation any better or quell the intense craving I have for a baby? Not really. But did it make for a sobering realization that life has to be enjoyed every day, every moment for what it’s worth? Absolutely.
Go see Wadjda!!