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I don’t want to be like this.

I have been trying to work since morning. I made a commitment to myself this weekend that I will pay far more attention to my dissertation than I have so far. I intend to stick by that commitment. It’s hard, though. I sit at home and work and it gets lonely. I know I have the option of going to a library/ coffee shop but I stay home so that I can eat fresh, home cooked food and also because the library is overrun with little kids and babies and the coffee shops usually have nothing that I should be eating/ drinking.

It’s been an okay morning so far. I have been making some sort of progress. But now, right this very moment I am unable to go on. I feel frozen. I feel annoyed. Angry, actually. My head hurts. I am pissed off. I was going through an online forum and it just struck me how story after story expresses pervasive hurt, anguish, lament and a debilitating frustration at not being able to conceive. It hurts me. It shakes me up. I read this everyday so why now? I have been dealing with this for almost 2.5 years so what’s new? I don’t have an answer. All I know is that it fills me up with a white-hot rage even as it drains me of vitality and so I find myself in that no-man’s land between a scream and a tear, between protest and despair.

I am angry at those who bear kids so easily and then spend all their lives complaining what a hassle parenting is. I am angry at those who are careless enough to let their children suffer while they pursue selfish paths. I am angry at those who think infertility is a passing phase and that I should just snap out of it! And I am particularly angry with those whom I love the most, the ones that surround me, the ones I call family and friends. Close friends. They anger me most because while I know they care (and that they care big), I am unable to accept their concern, their love. The relentless snark inside me keeps saying it’s easy for you to say, you haven’t been down this road. Their affection rankles, their sympathies infuriate me most.

I really don’t want to be like this.

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Rewind…

I know for anyone reading a fertility blog it is always a matter of curiosity as to what condition(s) the blog writer is dealing with. So here’s my glittering track record 🙂

Me: 35, Endo, Low AMH, DOR, slightly elevated immunology

DH: 38, Very low morphology, otherwise healthy

Dec 2005–Dx with ovarian cysts, advised to operate. Took BCP for a year, cysts disappeared!

Dec 2010–Got married ❤

July 2011–decided to start trying for baby. First doc appt. told have huge fibroid in uterus (8cm), advised immediate surgery. Total freakout, in denial for 6 months.

Sept-Nov 2011: try naturally with ovulation trigger (HCG). BFN

Dec 2011: 1st IUI (natural). BFN.

Jan 2012: Laparoscopic myomectomy. Fibroid successful removed, slight blockage indicated in left tube. Advised to hold off ttc for 3 months. Start acupuncture.

April 2012: Move to Bay Area. New RE. Dx with PCOS, endo, IR. Put on metformin 1000mg/ daily, several supplements, asked to walk after each meal, yoga, acupuncture etc. Resume ttc. BFP on first try!! Ecstatic!!

May 2012: 1st u/s shows nothing. HCG plateaus. Suspected ectopic. D&C w/ methotrexate. Devastated 😦

June 2012: frozen labs confirm uterine pregnancy aka regular miscarriage not ectopic. Thank God!

July 2012: Rubella shot, cannot try this month

Aug 2012: BFN

Sept 2012: 2nd natural IUI. Everything looks great but BFFN! Plus, suspected OHSS from HCG shot later revised to possible endo flare-up. Left ovary enlarges and stays enlarged for 2 months. In extreme pain. Emergency surgery advised.

Nov 2012: Left ovary finally starts shrinking.

Dec 2012: Hawaii!! BFN though 😦

Jan 2013: BFN. Start looking for IVF options.

Feb 2013: Anastrozole + BCP + Doxy to try shrink endo. India vacation = family time 🙂

March 2013: Decide on Dr. Zouves for IVF. Advised surgery for left side hyrdosalpinx. Dx with low AMH (0.48), slightly elevated immunology: blood clotting antibodies + TH1/ cytokines. Rx: baby aspirin, Lovenox at time of transfer and 2 intra-lipid infusions before and after ER.

April 2013: Laparoscopy to clip left tube and remove surface endo. Surgery successful.

May 2013: IVF # 1 w. Dr. Zouves. Antagonist protocol. 9 follies, 7 eggs retrieved, 5 mature, 3 make it to day 6 blasts. All chromosomally abnormal. FET canceled. Advised donor eggs. Shattered, completely shattered.

June 2013: BFN (although tried only one day)

July 2013: onwards to exploring new options.