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Rewind…

I know for anyone reading a fertility blog it is always a matter of curiosity as to what condition(s) the blog writer is dealing with. So here’s my glittering track record ๐Ÿ™‚

Me: 35, Endo, Low AMH, DOR, slightly elevated immunology

DH: 38, Very low morphology, otherwise healthy

Dec 2005–Dx with ovarian cysts, advised to operate. Took BCP for a year, cysts disappeared!

Dec 2010–Got married โค

July 2011–decided to start trying for baby. First doc appt. told have huge fibroid in uterus (8cm), advised immediate surgery. Total freakout, in denial for 6 months.

Sept-Nov 2011: try naturally with ovulation trigger (HCG). BFN

Dec 2011: 1st IUI (natural). BFN.

Jan 2012: Laparoscopic myomectomy. Fibroid successful removed, slight blockage indicated in left tube. Advised to hold off ttc for 3 months. Start acupuncture.

April 2012: Move to Bay Area. New RE. Dx with PCOS, endo, IR. Put on metformin 1000mg/ daily, several supplements, asked to walk after each meal, yoga, acupuncture etc. Resume ttc. BFP on first try!! Ecstatic!!

May 2012: 1st u/s shows nothing. HCG plateaus. Suspected ectopic. D&C w/ methotrexate. Devastated ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

June 2012: frozen labs confirm uterine pregnancy aka regular miscarriage not ectopic. Thank God!

July 2012: Rubella shot, cannot try this month

Aug 2012: BFN

Sept 2012: 2nd natural IUI. Everything looks great but BFFN! Plus, suspected OHSS from HCG shot later revised to possible endo flare-up. Left ovary enlarges and stays enlarged for 2 months. In extreme pain. Emergency surgery advised.

Nov 2012: Left ovary finally starts shrinking.

Dec 2012: Hawaii!! BFN though ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

Jan 2013: BFN. Start looking for IVF options.

Feb 2013: Anastrozole + BCP + Doxy to try shrink endo. India vacation = family time ๐Ÿ™‚

March 2013: Decide on Dr. Zouves for IVF. Advised surgery for left side hyrdosalpinx. Dx with low AMH (0.48), slightly elevated immunology: blood clotting antibodies + TH1/ cytokines. Rx: baby aspirin, Lovenox at time of transfer and 2 intra-lipid infusions before and after ER.

April 2013: Laparoscopy to clip left tube and remove surface endo. Surgery successful.

May 2013: IVF # 1 w. Dr. Zouves. Antagonist protocol. 9 follies, 7 eggs retrieved, 5 mature, 3 make it to day 6 blasts. All chromosomally abnormal. FET canceled. Advised donor eggs. Shattered, completely shattered.

June 2013: BFN (although tried only one day)

July 2013: onwards to exploring new options.

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The long weekend that became a week long!

How was everyone’s Labor Day weekend? Well you’re about to find out how mine was! As I mentioned in the last post, non-medicated IUI was what we had decided for this month and that’s what we did. The u/s on CD 11 showed 3 strong follies at 17, 17 and 18mm with the doc refusing to believe I wasn’t on injectables (go acupuncture!!) and we were asked to BD that night and trigger the night of CF 12. On a side note, it will never cease to be amusing for me to get instructions on when the spouse and I should be getting naughty!

The trigger shot was causing me a huge amount of anxiety… I am dead scared of needles and the only way I survive getting so many pricks (I’ve got a record number this year) is simply by squeezing my eyes shut and refusing to open them till the band-aid has been applied. The pain I can handle; the sight of needle penetrating skin-NOT! Hence it was left to the husband to do the deed. We got some pretty rad instructions from the pharmacist and looked up videos but preparing the medicine was the most nerve wracking thing ever. I have no clue how doctors trust their patients to do this stuff! I managed to inject the diluant into the powder but then the damn mixture refused to get re-injected into the needle. I went into panic overdrive but the spouse totally played the winner as he not only managed to do what I couldn’t but also injected me so smooth I couldn’t feel a thing! The IUI itself went very well; doc was certain I was ovulating and said she got a clear shot at my cervix (yayy!). We went back home happy and took a nap to celebrate (it had been an early morning!).

Trouble came knocking in the evening. First it was just this sore feeling in the tummy that became progressively worse and turned into a raging stomach ache that had my curled up fetal style and screaming for my mommy! I couldn’t move, I couldn’t breathe it was like someone had bashed up my insides with a baseball bat and, for added effect, taken a few shots at my back too. To make things prettier I puked up all my dinner. DH called doc and was told I likely have mild OHSS which will take a few days to go away. Wonderful! I drank tons of Gatorade as told and rested (couldn’t move if I’d tried!). The next few days the pain did get better (that was without doubt the worst pain of my life! Worst!) and I got an u/s to make sure things were okay. Doc said ovaries were slightly swollen but nothing to worry about.

The days after the checkup, the abdominal cramping went away and so did the terrible back ache. However I had a recurrent fever and this crazy bitch of a pain in the back of my head which felt like someone had taken pincers and was pulling at my nerve and releasing it. It would go away for a while but then come back. Tylenol would help bring the fever down but it drew the line at the pain (Tylenol to me: “sorry buddy this bitch ain’t my thing!”).

So today is day 6piui and I feel better without a doubt. Temp was normal in the morning and so far the bitch ache has stayed away. Fingers crossed!

One thing the docs did warn me about is that in case I get pregnant this cycle the OHSS type symptoms are likely to reappear. Sweet.

It’s been painful, it’s been lonely and it’s been miserable. My husband has, as always rallied around me but this time we both anew felt the ache of not having any family (or good friends) around us. That’s why I had started this blog. So I could vent here and be brave for him. But sometimes I wonder if anyone even reads it. If the reading stats are actual people or just some digital bots who clearly wouldn’t give a damn about babies!

So… if you’re reading this and you’re human… say hello! It would mean the world to me.

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Looking forward…

I don’t know why but this cycle I have been experiencing a whole lot of fatigue. Some of it I can attribute to broken sleep (spouse sniffles, I toss & turn, spouse wakes up, I wake up… sigh!) but to feel this tired (constantly dizzy, nauseous and light headed) just feels strange. If I didn’t know better, I’d say I was pregnant!! Double sigh!

So, I went for my first ever hypnotherapy session this past Friday. I have mixed feelings about the whole thing. Now, I am all about experimenting with alternative medicine so I did go with an open mind. The therapist was a warm, friendly sort who (thankfully!) did not seem in the slightest bit whacko and in fact shared her own life story, which had eerie similarities with mine, quite readily to help me feel better about my own situation. The session though was a different affair. I was absolutely conscious throughout and her voice was not at all what I expected … none of that instant calming qualities that I had hoped for. Anyhow, I did the visualizations she asked me to and for the most part they came easily to me. I had told her before the session that the primary reason I was there was to tackle my latent pregnancy related fears so that is what she concentrated on during the session. I can’t say I emerged from the session feeling all zen but there definitely was a smile on my face and I went home a reasonably happy woman. That afternoon I felt an unprecedented desire to sleep and I took a rather longish nap, which is unusual for me. She messaged me the next day asking me how I felt after the session which I thought was a nice, personal touch!

It’s two days before we go for the pre-IUI ultrasound this Thursday. I am excited yet incredibly nervous. Just stepping into that office makes my tummy do all kinds of crazy things. The sight of so many pregnant women clutching on to their ultrasound pictures with all the ecstasy of an Olympic winner, of tiny, just-born babies sleeping away in their little bassinets and the memories of that fateful day when my world just upended itself are all still raw for me. As a result, I always enter the office holding on to my husband’s hand for dear life, resolutely looking down at the floor and trying my best to resist the urge to bolt from there. I’m waiting for the day when I have the opposite associations of the place; when I too feel incredibly happy and positive walking into the clinic, glowing with maternal pride.

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Mission September…

… is all planned out.

The strategy for this month is a plain (aka no-meds) IUI along with a trigger shot for ovulation. Have taken an appointment for pre-IUI ultrasound next week… hoping we see some good follies which will mature into some much-needed baby goodness!

Have started temping again this cycle. I find that the 9am time just doesn’t cut it for me. I tend to wake up a couple times between 7 and 9 to go pee or because my nose is stuff and I am sneezing or because I am just waking up and restless. So have set alarm to 6.45… I keep the thermometer under my pillow and as the alarm goes off, I just stick it in my mouth and once it beeps a reading I keep it back and go back to sleep.

Also trying to get yoga back into my daily regime. This one’s proving to be tougher. Since I need to do it on an empty stomach either it means waiting too long till I have my breakfast (unless of course I get started as soon as I wake up which, frankly, does not happen what with helping the spouse as he gets ready to leave for work) or if I have my breakfast then I need to wait again for it to get digested by which time it’s lunchtime! Have to find a way of managing this.