Seductive dalliances with the perennial what-ifs… plus, a calendar!

Last week was emotionally draining. After the consult with Dr S, the realization that we’re about to cycle again hit me and it was all I could do not to get overwhelmed. Distraction intervened in the form of a trip to LA to meet with the dissertation committee. I flew out early morning and got back in around 10. Perhaps it was the physical exhaustion (flight was delayed on the way back), perhaps it the sudden influx of pregnancies in my department or perhaps it was the reinvigorated tussle between dissertation related inertia and enthusiasm -I came back home feeling subdued unlike my characteristic chattery self.

Also weighing on my mind was the big, white elephant in my inbox -CCRM had finally sent the calendar (it looks like the study schedule for a ridiculously competitive exam!) and I have been largely ignoring it, watching it burn a slow hole on my laptop screen. Going with an altered protocol this time means there’s a lot of stuff I’ll be doing which was missing in my previous IVF attempt–adding in estrace, cetrotide, dexamethasone, saizen etc. I swear each time I look at the calendar I can feel my blood pressure escalating at the thought of what lies ahead. I know I should be excited but I’m mostly apprehensive.

Friday, however, brightened my spirits. I went for an early acupuncture session and as always Y managed to relax my frayed nerves. I drove back home feeling significantly better. The rest of the day was a busy blur as I worked on my stuff and K micro managed a Dish TV installation (goodybye pricey Comcast!). I was aghast to walk in on him and the installation guy happily routing a thick, black wire right in the middle of my beautiful living room, smugly announcing that by making sure half of it was submerged under the rug, aesthetics were all taken care of! Men! Friday evening was spent on the couch, watching movies (free HBO for three months!) and guzzling herbal tea.

Saturday, I got to know that my brother (who recently moved to the US and lucky for me, found a place just down the street!) was moving back to the other side of the planet with his family. I am happy for him; this is something he’s wanted for a long time. But it’s hit me hard. Having them here was just so wonderful. They came at a time when we were at our most vulnerable and it felt good having someone to talk to when our first cycle failed. Sis-in-law and I often went out for errands and shopping trips and my nephew is such a delight to be with. It’s going to be tough seeing them go. For the first time ever, we’ve had family here in the US and, that too, living so close to us. It brings me back to the feeling that were my own family complete today, perhaps I would not feel as rudderless and raw all the time. What makes the situation worse is that I work from home and afternoons are really the loneliest times. As I went for my afternoon walk today I passed by my nephew’s school and felt a jab of sadness that soon he won’t be studying in there anymore.

I’m trying hard to stay even-keeled both for the cycle ahead and for the love of my life, my darling husband who patiently supports me through everything even as his eyes tear up often at seeing me sad. One hug from him and the world doesn’t seem such a threatening place anymore. The what-ifs, though, are always around, hanging out in the dark recesses of my mind, waiting to pounce upon me and smother me with their what-if-ness! Just do, don’t think, I keep repeating in my head like a mantra. It’s hard though. I can feel depression creeping in as the fear of another potential failure paralyses my senses. I find it hard to move on yet I only find solace in movement -in walking, in doing the most basic tasks –cleaning, scrubbing, washing dishes, sorting laundry. Sleep teases me, promising a lingering embrace one moment and the very other, deserting me without warning.

I sit on my bedroom floor typing this post. As I look up skywards, I will the clouds to ebb away and for sunshine to become a part of me.