Moody tears with a mind of their own

Another month, another breakdown.

July was exhausting with DH and I barely stepping out from the haunting shadows of our first failed IVF. We tried naturally but our heart was just not in it. Every day we put our energies in healing, in moving on, in planning for the future. Slowly, agonizingly painfully, we started recovering what had so brutally been snatched from us–hope.

On July 30th I turned 36. Every year my birthday reminds me cruelly of my lack. This year was particularly tough. I had hoped so much to have my baby in my tummy on this day but, sadly, it was not to be. Once the day was over, though, I felt so much better. Strangely reinvigorated. And August was thumping proof! A happy, busy month with lots of social engagements, a ton of pre-IVF testing, DH’s birthday and in general a lot of stuff that kept me as sane & content as is possible to be in the circumstances. Some days I even laughed out loud and the sound was so harshly unfamiliar I almost winced!

Which brings us to September. September, that month when the leaves change color and the air whispers secret promises. This is an important month. We get to know the way forward with CCRM. An exciting month. Then why did I, now almost blase to the omnipresent spectacle of heavily pregnant women beaming beatifically in public places, break down last night at yet another Facebook sighting? Hadn’t DH already told me that our neighbor is knocked up?! What was so shocking at seeing her swollen tummy against a lush Hawaiian background that reduced me to a pathetic, slobbery mess? This is why I no longer have a FB account, my mind screamed. Why do I have to torture myself with visiting DH’s FB? It’s not like his friends are immune to pregnancy?!!

I raged at the unfairness of it all. Not why she is pregnant and why not me but more like everyone gets pregnant when will it be my time? Haven’t I suffered enough? What is ‘enough’? How many more tests, painful procedures, disappointments and heartbreaks do I have to endure before it is deemed that I am ready to don the maternal mantle? I silently yelled out at the universe. I let myself feel the primitive want that was crowding my senses. I sobbed hot, angry tears into my patiently accepting pillowcase. DH came to me so many times, hugging me, consoling me, loving me, soothing me in the way only he can. His concern, his love it broke me further. Why can I not make him a daddy? And then, even more sadness, as I see his face fall when he is unable to stop my crying.

I want to be happy, so happy. I want to shop for onesies and choose the best stroller out there. I want to get a pristine white crib from Pottery Barn. I want to smell baby powder and snuggle against oh-so-soft baby blankets. I want to select cute little shoes and take endless pictures. But most of all I want my arms to feel the blissful weight of my child. And for that, I will persevere.



This should’ve been posted about a month ago but I’ve been in a different mind-space altogether and I suppose ignoring this blog was my way of ignoring everything TTC-related! 

(Aug 7, 2013)

Soooo… we had our initial phone consult with CCRM’s Dr. Surrey (who, btw, is super nice to talk to); he seemed pretty positive about things and asked us to schedule a One Day Work Up, which is their standard procedure. This was on Friday, the 2nd and as luck would have it, I was at the right time in my cycle and a cancellation came through so before we could say ‘Baby’, we were on a plane from California to Colorado!

We took the clinic’s advice to fly out a day before (the appointments began at 645am the next day!) and stayed at the Townplace Suites, a few miles away from CCRM (thanks to them, got a great discounted rate as well!). I’ve been to CO before (accompanied the spouse on a work trip to Vail last year) and I find it breathtakingly pretty. Lonetree, where CCRM is located, is a lovely place with some seriously huge houses, wide roads and lots of sky! While we didn’t have time to saunter about and explore, we managed to squeeze in a trip to the nearby mall (the whole place had wooden floors!!)

Next day, bright and early, we walked over to the reception, checked in and picked up a copy of our schedule. It was quite like the first day of grad school, complete with multiple back to back sessions, orientations and power-points and lots of sizing up strangers! Overall, I would say that the entire affair was extremely well organized, we never waited for longer than ten minutes and everyone was nice and courteous. The only minor complaint I have is about the food; they have a little kiosk that sells sandwiches and stuff as well as some basic beverages (they even provide ten dollar coupons for the same) but it opened late and there was nothing gluten or dairy free that they offered (actually, come to think of it, CCRM doesn’t seem to be a big believer in altering diet–no mention of gluten, dairy whatsoever!). Anyhow, we did get a lunch break of sorts which we used to hop over to a nearby strip mall and chomp on some delish Vietnamese food.

So, back to the OWDU. Basically, it takes you through every possible aspect of the IVF journey at CCRM and provides you with a LOT of information regarding IVF itself as a process. For folks new to the IVF world, there was a great presentation that explained the female biological makeup and how IVF works by controlling hormonal response etc. We found it a little painful to sit through mostly because we were well acquainted with all the info and well–we were starving! But we both agreed that this was probably one of the more comprehensive explanations we had come across and perhaps we would have appreciated it more earlier in our IVF journey.

The rest of the day was a blur of testing, nurse consultation, business office and lab consults etc. An ultrasound for me revealed a normal uterine cavity, an AFC of 13 and good blood flow to the uterus. I was especially happy about the latter because I routinely suffer from cold feet (literally, I mean!) and my acupuncturist has been concerned about uterine blood flow. A hysteroscopy conducted by Dr S himself revealed no abnormalities or inflammation. He was great to meet with, just the right combination of professionalism and a laid-back, friendly demeanor. He told us he was optimistic about our chances and while we had a plethora of more testing to do, he hoped things would work out well.

Another few consultations and 11 vials of blood later (6 for the spouse), we were free to go. We walked out, exhausted and just about managed to make it back to the hotel and crashed! Two hours of a much needed nap later, we were both feeling half-human again. Over a nice sushi dinner, we discussed the day and concluded, cautiously, that it had been a reasonable success and that hopefully CCRM would give us the green flag to try with our own eggs!


The saddest pee in the world…

Seeing a negative pregnancy test when you’re trying to conceive can be one of the most soul crushing moments of one’s life. There’s something infinitely lonely about peeing on a stick, heartbeat racing, and then waiting the dreaded three minutes for the lines to show. And then all you see is just one determined pink line, asserting its presence by the second as if to say—this is my domain, no one else can be here but me. Your eyes keep staring at the white space next to the line, almost willing another one to appear there but no dice. One line and one line alone. The heart flops down to basement level, waiting tears rush to spill out and the world seems a bleak, unforgiving place.
This was our first time trying after my myomectomy. I know that there is no magic formula involved here, but I was just hoping to conceive immediately now that the fibroid monster is out of my system. Something about making the move to this nice, almost-suburban place just made me feel that I might get lucky here. Real soon. And then there were the signs. Every darn show I saw on TV had something about pregnancy. For the first time in my life I am living in a street level apartment which makes me feel it’s the perfect place to fall preggers. And of course, I am surrounded by kids. This is a family oriented neighborhood and babies abound in this little complex which is heartwarming and heartbreaking both at the same time.
Oh well. April, my treacherous friend, it’s a firm goodbye to you I guess. May, it remains to be seen what your true colors will be like.