I know this song is not about a mother’s love for a child but somehow these lyrics ring so true!!
I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling, don’t be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more
Time stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything take away
What’s standing in front of me
Every hour has come to this
One step closer
It’s amazing how I can love and miss my baby so darn much when I have yet to see him/ her. Come soon, my love… I’m waiting with my arms wide open!
I sit in my hotel room waiting for the nurse to update me on my blood-work results. From the morning ultrasound it seems we might well trigger sometime tonight, tomorrow at the very latest. I am physically exhausted but emotionally doing pretty okay, considering the relentless roller-coaster this cycle has been.
We attended a CCS class today and I was surprised to realize that even if I am lucky enough to make a normal embryo and prep for an FET, it takes anywhere between 6-8 weeks from egg retrieval to finally reach that stage! Considering that we are, in all likelihood, going in for egg banking, that means the earliest I could be pregnant would be well into March of next year. Such. a. long. time. away. Any other time in my life, this would have made impatient me stomp my feet, flare my nostrils and make irrational demands of life/nature to hurry the hell up, reality be damned! But I am older now (as my eggs keep, not so gently, reminding me!), wiser (even if reluctantly so!) and definitely way more patient and accepting of reality so I don’t flail around haplessly, panicking at the thought of the many miles to go. Well, at least not yet.
There’s a lot to be done, a lot to be explored and you just cannot survive the IVF race if you look too far into the future. Actually, that reminds me, I should write a post on what I think should be known as every girl’s essential IVF survival kit. By no means am I an expert and obviously I haven’t yet had my own success story, but just between my first and second rounds I have learned so much I feel I should reach out to those just beginning this journey as I know only too well how overwhelming it can look from the outside.
In the meantime, I take a calming sip of my peppermint tea, snuggle into my blankets and get ready to wait some more!
Of course now the one time I eagerly await my period, it decides to act like hot shit. My first period after the D&C came exactly 30 days later, lasted the regular 5 days and was followed by a clockwork ovulation pattern on CD 15. Am I to be blamed then for expecting Aunt Flo to do her thing and show up when she promised me to?
TTC is an emotional journey like no other. Every single physiological act associated with the female body becomes, by turn, cause for jubilation or depression. Usually doomsday-like in premonition, the very same menstrual period can have you turning cartwheels (metaphorically, always metaphorically!) in delight when it arrives on time after a miscarriage. So it is that right now I wait for it while next cycle onwards I will be wishing and hoping fervently to say goodbye to it for 9 months straight. Sigh!